I used to hate New Year’s Eve; a New Year only held more disappointment, more heartache, more unanswered prayer. I had been praying for many years and not seen the answer my heart ached to see. I felt the sting of bitterness, of intense sorrow, of hopelessness.

When will the other shoe drop?

I wept and greeted each New Year with caution. Holding my breath, never being able to relax, breathe again. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Over time, with the loving support of family and friends, and with the guidance of a gifted therapist, I discovered how to let go. To recognize the profundity of free-will; the absolute respect God gives His most beloved creations, you and me.

The waiting room

In this waiting room, I encountered grace and mercy as I questioned and raged. I found infinite love and tenderest care. Out of the fire that ravaged my heart, out of the ashes of my hopes and dreams – the Phoenix of acceptance rose.

I came to understand that peace was a Person.That surrender to my Sovereign Lord brings unexpected freedom. He is Incomprehensible, Mysterious, He the Alpha and Omega, He holds us
in His Almighty hands.

Finding perspective

I determined to pry the white-knuckled hold of my fingers on my life and circumstances lose. Unfurl my fingers, open hands, palms toward heaven. Realize my hope is in who God is; not in results I am longing for, however valid they may be.

Grounded as my perspective shifted, I permitted myself to find joy again. To celebrate the gifts given, to have fun, to laugh whole-heartedly. To find pleasure and greet the days with anticipation instead of living in the shadow of dread.

My grief has a room in the house of my soul. When I visit, Jesus is there with me. There, pouring out my heart. I weep, and I mourn. After a while, I leave, conscious I may return any time the need arises. My hurting heart comforted, wrapped in the certainty of eternal love and fathomless wisdom.  I entrust that which weighs heavy on me, to an Immutable God.

He holds the future

That prayer of long ago? It remains unanswered. But, I am confident of this: He who flung the stars in space and gave us the very breath of life  – He holds the future in Omnipotent hands. He goes before me and is my rear-guard; He surrounds me and upholds me. His promise is irrevocable, I, never alone or forsaken. He sings songs of love and deliverance over me. He cherishes me; I am the apple of His eye.

His Presence, with me, always, forever. Grace for each day. His mercies, new every morning.

Happy New Year.