Vortex

I am lost in the vortex of pain. This crucifixion, the nails hammer into my temple. The overwhelming nausea, my head splitting now in two, as my stomach rebels, empties. I am left, gasping, moaning. I wish for ease, this relentless pounding to cease its merciless beat. Could the little man with the ice-pick he slams into my temple, please stop? I drink the water, a bit at a time. Will I keep it down? No.

The day paced by sips of water, by tortured sleep, by trip after trip to the green pail. On and on, sleep offers little relief. Punctuated by waking to be sick again. 

Long nights – pain-filled days

The night, black and grim passes by. I awake and there is no relief. How long? How long?

Endure, I must endure – focus on the breath. Lie still – so very still. No sudden moves. Stay in a dark room, cool pillows, and ice-packs to ease the throbbing in my temples. Gentle, anoint the head with oils, lavender, frankincense, peppermint.

Breath prayers become a litany, breathe in, “Christ have mercy,” breathe out, “Lord, have mercy.” And repeat.

Then also “Help me, Jesus.” “Help me.”

Do not lose heart

This comes to mind, encouragement to cling to: 

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 New International Version (NIV)

Hard, so hard, not to lose heart in times like these. 

Yet, what comes to mind is this, this sweet word a balm for hurting body, wounded soul.

“Therefore, I will trust Him, whatever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him, in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about. 

John Henry Newman

This is my hope in unrelenting pain – He carries me, Comforts me, Strengthens me. He is my Rock and Refuge, and He will never let me go.