Pain crawls, snakes up through the bloodstream. At first, like a gentle buzz of electricity, a slight vibration. But then it becomes lightening – jolting, electrifying. You are breathless, panting.
This is something you never expected. It knocks you to the floor. This shock to the system. What to do when what you thought was fine, is not fine at all?
How to manage the hurt? Process, ruminate, ponder. Turn thoughts over and over. Circuit jumps, one synapse in the brain to the other. Back to the beginning again.
Anger bubbles hot and livid, surfaces burning, spilling like lava. It splashes searing those it touches. What were you thinking??? Rage circles, foams. How could you???
No easy answers, only more questions. This sharp turn could alter the future. Kill your hopes and dreams. Truncate the careful plans laid.
It feels as if it one more thing added to already heavy burdens carried.
You lay down, breathe deep. Pray. “Lord, help. Please help. I cannot do this. Cannot carry this. What road do I travel now?”
Sleep flees and you cannot chase it down. Count sheep in vain. Physical pain joins the agony of spirit.
A spiritual exercise comes to mind: palms down, palms up. Palms down: let go; release them, release the anger, the rage, the disappointments, release hopes, wishes and dreams for them. Let it all go. Palms up: receive His grace, mercy, strength and comfort. His love and tender care.
Palms down: Release worry, expectations, my need for everything to be okay. My need to be a good________(fill in the blank). Palms up: receive His love, His ability, His heart of compassion. Palms down: release my need to fix it, make it better. Palms up: receive faith to trust the outcome to Him.
Realize I will do none of this perfectly. Gulp. Ask for His forgiveness and help when I mess up. Believe in and receive His love. Let Him love me. Wrestle through the boundaries in each situation. Validate and acknowledge my feelings with the all confusion, with the mixed motives. Keep my hope in God, trusting He will carry us through this. To acknowledge the sadness too, to grieve the losses. Forgive others. Forgive myself.
Know that Underneath are the Everlasting Arms.
Rest when I need to. Play soothing music. Rout the enemy who would love to kill, steal and destroy. Resist him.
Circle back again and again to this: “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning, new every morning, great is His faithfulness.”
This is my anchor, this is my hope.